I am a mess

I finally broke down yesterday. I was talking to a family friend and we have been discussing about what my parents think and say about me. It was all nice, like how lucky they were to have me and somehow at the middle of it, my tears just fell.

I told her how unhappy I am despite all I have. Sure I never lacked anything but deep inside I wanted someone. I got to admit that all these years, there is only one that I loved most and I want him back. I had some relationships and I dated a lot in the past years. But deep down, much as I want to deny, he is still in my heart. I tried hard to forget. The few relationships that I entered into are part of that forgetting process. Don’t get me wrong, I do love them but maybe not as deep. I stopped dating because I fear that nobody will ever replace him. I am taking a breather for myself.

She looked at me and said, “I didn’t know you are unhappy.”

It was the only time that I have admitted to someone in real world that I am not happy. She told me that she thought I was. I strike her as someone who will be happy living it all because I can go places, buy things on my own, have a nice family and most of all… she didn’t see it from just looking at me. I hide it all beautifully.

I guess my phone conversation with him the night before pushed me to this. That was the most meaningful conversation we had since our break up. Yes, we have been communicating still but past conversations was just a matter of courtesy and updating on what’s happening around us. That night we talked for hours and shared secrets. It was a game of bare all. We asked questions in turn and each has to answer truthfully even if the other thinks that it is too shameful to say. We promised not to judge or look down on each other no matter how it turned out.

I don’t know if it’s insanity but somehow… that made me see some hope for us. This and the realization that I still love him the same way I did before, I just couldn’t handle all that to myself anymore. I know that at some point I will have an over pouring. I wanted to believe that somewhere there will be a happy ending like in fairy tales but I don’t want to waste my time waiting for something that will never be.